The Robes Don't Make The Monk

It's always interesting coming back from a retreat (if you didn't know, I was on a retreat last weekend). My big reflection from my time in nature is how powerful not speaking can be. It's like when you haven't talked in a while, and that first word out of your mouth is the raspiest, most unpleasant-sounding, voice-crackly thing you've ever heard because your vocal cords forgot how to move. Speaking again takes a bit of time! Just as it takes a bit of time to get back in the flow of things when coming back from a retreat, especially since being quiet and reflecting isn't my default state in daily life.

Basically, I have a hard time shutting the hell up.

I don't generally see people with shaved heads and robes in my everyday life, so spending time with my monk friends is always a little surreal. One of these monks posed a question while we were speaking: if they were to walk down the street dressed in a t-shirt and jeans rather than robes, would people guess they were a monk? Obviously, if we see a monk in robes, we’re going to treat them (and expect them to act!) differently than a bald person in a suit and tie. Clearly, identifying people as spiritual purely on their appearance, whether it’s their clothes or their watch or the tattoos on their body, is a failing strategy.

We can only identify someone as spiritual by listening to them. And this listening has to be done properly! When we listen to people with the right attitude, we’ll find something applicable to our present situation no matter who is speaking.

This statement isn’t groundbreaking or revolutionary, especially for those who were constantly told to be quiet when we were younger. Things like “You have two ears and one mouth; you need to use your ears twice as much as your mouth!” or “You can learn from everyone!” are common sayings that I heard. But these sayings say nothing about how to listen, which is the key to finding something useful.

I’ve lost track of the number of meetings I’ve been in where someone goes, “Thank you for letting me know, I had no idea how big a problem this is, and I’ll be sure to fix this...” and nothing gets done. They’re not listening! There are many resources for active listening and communication, but I want to focus on the advice I have received from my spiritual mentors.

The techniques spiritual practitioners give on listening properly are helpful even when dealing with more material situations. Three main techniques need to be applied:

• Initiative. We need to take the first step toward deeper understanding. If we wait for the other person to come to us with information, we most likely will miss out. Imagine how unlikely being promoted would be if you never asked your manager for feedback on your performance! As a general rule of thumb, it’s always better to be proactive rather than reactive.
• Inquisitive. We need to ask questions! Inquisitive is one of my favorite words because it implies curiosity rather than asking in a way that tries to prove our own superiority. If we ask questions in this way, it shows that we aren't only thinking about what is being said but also giving the other person the benefit of the doubt that what they say has value. Of course, if they’re just bullshitting, then our intelligent questions will reveal the lack of substance.
• In service. We need to listen in a way that seeks to help others. If we hear in a purely self-serving manner, we come across as self-serving. We've all met that person who grills us on <insert topic of interest here> and offers nothing about their own experiences in return, and nobody likes talking to that person. The more we approach our conversations as opportunities to serve others, the more people accept us as someone who cares.

When used in isolation, these techniques are good tools to listen better. But when they're all applied simultaneously, they become incredibly powerful. If we sincerely try to apply them, each and every interaction we have with another person can teach us something. Especially when interacting with spiritually realized persons, our listening can manifest in the same realizations.

I'm using the word realization because I find it's thrown around a lot, but without any of the deeper meaning of the word behind it. We seemingly have realizations on relationships (maybe something like I realize the reason I do this is because of my daddy issues) but end up doing the same thing, and even when we talk of spiritual life, we use the word realization too freely.

For something to be a realization, it must be a clear principle that sits deep within us. Anything less than that is merely either theoretical knowledge, reflections, or insights.

You can almost think of ideas as rocks that hit the soil of our minds. The small ideas we interact with daily are like tiny little pebbles, making miniature craters that are washed away by the waves of time. However, the bigger ideas that shatter our worldview are the ones that start making their way from our head to our heart. They are the reflections, the insights, the theoretical knowledge that comes from vicarious experiences.

But true realization (or Realization™, if you will) is clear and lasting, the type of thing that sits in your heart and does not leave. Experiences that impact us deeply have this effect. How many people go vegan for a month after watching a documentary about how the meat industry operates? Listening with the proper strategy enables us to push what we hear deeper into our heart, because when we listen in this way, we open our heart to others.

As I mentioned in a previous post, the work of spiritual life is to make our internal world clear. When people with deep realizations speak, that internal clarity comes out, but only when we listen with the right techniques can we actually taste the essence of their internal world.

Monks traditionally spend so much time in silence because they seek to cultivate their internal world. By their very nature, our internal worlds are hidden from each other. One great failing of society is that we judge others (especially those who profess a particular spiritual path) on the externals. As the saying goes, the robes don't make the monk.

Happy to be back (even if I'm a little late),
-Sid